Loker's last drink
by suicidalunicorn97
Summary: Featuring alcoholic, suicidal Loker. (Trigger warning for suicide, self harm, and alcoholism)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello Lovelies. I decided to write a Loker fanfiction. I feel like there's a lot of Callian out there, but not a lot about Loker and Torres. I haven't decided if I want them to get involved in this fic, (I kinda ship Loker and Emily, don't hate me!) so leave your thoughts in the reviews.**

 **Yesterday was my birthday. (19, yay I'm old lol) It was kind of a hard day for me. I never thought I'd make it to 19. I planned to kill myself long before then. Buuut here I am. Not sure if it's a good thing. I have a lot of decisions to make, and things to do that wouldn't be an issue if I'd just off myself.**

 **Soooo instead of actually killing myself, here I am writing a suicide fanfiction for Loker. You're welcome.**

 **PS: Thanks to all of you who left reviews on my other stories, especially stevieLUVSAlex. :)**

* * *

"I don't pay you people to sit on your arses. Go on, bring in the next witness." Dr. Lightman berated his employees.

Eli Loker sighed. It was going to be another long day. He remembered a time when he used to enjoy this job. He remembered a time when he actually looked up to Cal Lightman. Now he recognized that the man was just a bully.

"Loker,"

He looked up as Lightman kicked his chair.

"Coffee. Now."

Annoyed, he pressed his lips into a thin line. Was he nothing more than a glorified errand boy?

"Watch your attitude!" Lightman said in a sing-song voice as he walked out of the lab.

"He is insufferable," Torres muttered. "I don't know how you've managed to work for him all these years."

"Me neither." Loker replied as he rose to get the coffee.

He couldn't live like this anymore. The only thing keeping him going was the job, and everyone here treated him like a joke. He was all alone. His life was falling apart. He was literally living out of his car. He'd been evicted from his apartment a week ago. He was spending all his money on alcohol. He knew he was an alcoholic, but he didn't really care. It was his way of coping.

He arrived at Dr. Lightman's office with the coffee. "Here. Now if you don't mind, I have a job to do," He set the cup down and turned to walk out.

"Oi, coffee's for you, mate."

"What?" Loker spun around, confused.

"A bloody fool could tell that you're hung-over. You've been coming into work either like this, or actually drunk, for the past week."

Loker looked at the ground. He hadn't been hiding it very well at all.

"This is a warning. Next time it'll be your job," Lightman cautioned. "Now get back to work."

Loker numbly made his way back to the lab.

"You forgot to give Lightman his coffee." Torres said with amusement as Loker sunk back into his chair.

"Nope," He took a sip. "It's for me."

"What, Lightman bought you coffee?" Torres asked incredulously.

"No, he made me buy myself coffee."

"This is because you're drunk, isn't it?" Torres accused, understanding now.

"I'm not drunk, I'm hung-over. There's a difference."

Torres snorted. "Whatever."

"Has everyone noticed?"

She laughed, "You work with human lie detectors, Loker. Did you really think you could hide it from us?" Torres shook her head. "You're dumber than you look sometimes."

Loker hid a smile behind the cup of coffee. They didn't know his biggest secret.

* * *

Dr. Lightman pulled Torres into his office later that afternoon. He wasted no time with small talk. "I need you to keep an eye on Loker," He told her.

"What?" She narrowed her eyes. "Why?"

"Bloody hell, you people are useless. Have you not noticed how he's been lately?"

"You mean his drinking problem?"

"And everything else. He's coming to work in wrinkled clothes, and I bet he showers maybe once every three days, if we're lucky."

Torres wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Well yeah, but that's his problem."

"Not if it affects the way he does his job,"

Torres saw right through him. "You're worried about him, aren't you?"

"Nonsense. Couldn't care less about the wanker." He pushed her out of his office. "I'm serious though, keep an eye out for the lad."

* * *

The rest of the day was one long blur. Loker was dying to go to the bar after work, but he knew that one drink would turn into five drinks, and he wouldn't be able to stop. Oh well. What was the point? He couldn't do his job without the alcohol, but if he kept drinking, he would be fired. There was no way to win.

He couldn't fight the darkness anymore.

* * *

Torres watched Loker grow increasingly quiet as the day went on. It was like he wasn't even trying to hide his fragile mental state anymore. After work, she followed him at a distance. She drove behind him, making sure that his car was always at least three cars in front of hers.

She tailed him to a pharmacy, and watched as he spent only ten minutes inside. He came out with a huge sack of...something. Whatever it was, he knew exactly what he was looking for. Torres followed him to the local bar, not surprised. But instead of going in, Loker just sat there. He turned his car off, but didn't get out.

She waited there for twenty minutes. _What the hell?_ Growing impatient, she got out of her car and walked over to his.

She stopped a few feet from his window and stared in shock. The bag from the pharmacy was sitting on the passenger seat. It was full of pills. Ibuprofen, Tylenol, cold medicine, you name it. Four of the bottles were already empty...

Loker was smiling as he downed another handful of pills with a swig of Vodka.

Torres panicked and pulled his door open. "What the hell, Loker?" She yelled.

His unfocused eyes met hers. "Hi, Ria," He grinned drunkenly. His dark curls were damp with sweat, and he looked sick.

"I'm calling 911." She said, pulling out her phone.

"Noooo, please don't," He slurred. "I'm done. Can I be done? I'm done."

"Done with what, Eli? Life?" She knocked the bottle of Vodka out of his hand and it shattered on the asphalt at her feet. "You can't be done with life."

"Please..." He whispered.

How had she missed the signs? The bags under his tired, lifeless eyes; the constant drinking. He'd even stopped arguing with Lightman.

"No. I'm not letting you kill yourself." She held his hand as she dialed 9-1-1.

* * *

Lightman was in Dr. Foster's office, arguing with her about their financial situation when his phone rang. _Torres._

"Sorry, love. Gotta take this." He put the phone to his ear. "Torres. What's going on with our favorite alcoholic?"

"He...he's.." Her words were halting, and he could hear her breathing heavily. It sounded like she was hyperventilating.

"Ria, calm down. What's happened?" He asked, a sense of dread filling him.

Gillian looked at him nervously. He didn't call his employees by their first name unless something was really wrong.

"Eli...he...he tried to kill himself."

Lightman almost dropped the phone. "He what?"

Gillian watched with concern as her partner suddenly became very pale. "What's going on?"

"I could have stopped it, I was right there!" Torres choked out.

"It's not your fault, love." Lightman attempted to console her. "Now what hospital are you at?"

* * *

Lightman and Foster arrived at the hospital in record time. They met Torres outside of the ICU. "How is he?" Lightman asked quietly.

"He'll be okay." Torres said. "Physically at least. They pumped his stomach and there's no permanent damage to his internal organs." She began to cry again. "If I had waited five minutes longer..."

Gillian hugged her. "It's okay, you couldn't have known. You got there in time, he'll be okay. That's all that matters now."

Lightman looked through the ICU window. Loker lay unconscious in a hospital bed, looking very pale and weak. He'd noticed Loker losing weight, but hadn't realized how frail the young man had become. "Have they contacted his family?"

Torres looked sad. "He doesn't have one. His parents are both dead, and he's an only child."

Lightman was surprised. "Cousins? Friends? Anyone?"

Torres shook her head. "He's kind of a loner. We're all he's got."

 _No wonder Loker tried to kill himself._ Cal thought, feeling very guilty. _We're all he has, and I'm_ _awful to the kid._ He resolved to be a better support to Loker when this was all over.

A doctor walked over to them. "Excuse me, are you here for Eli Loker?"

"Yes," Cal replied. "How's it looking, Doc?"

"Physically he'll be all right. This young lady got there right in time." He gestured to Torres. "If she hadn't been there, he would likely be dead."

Torres put a hand over her mouth and continued to cry quietly. She looked guilty. As did Gillian. If he could see his own face, Cal knew that guilt would be written all over his features as well. It wasn't their fault. Torres and Foster had nothing to do with it. Cal blamed himself. He was cruel and rude to everyone, Loker in particular.

He needed to change.

* * *

Loker woke from strange dreams of Ria Torres holding his hand, and a foreign, snake-like object being forced down his throat. He became aware of hospital monitors beeping steadily, and someone crying. He groaned and struggled to open his eyes. The crying stopped, and he felt someone grab his hand.

"Eli,"

He blinked, and squinted. The light was so bright...

"He's awake!"

Ria. She was so beautiful. She looked like an angel. "Am I dead?" He croaked.

"No, but you gave it your best shot."

Lightman was here? He turned towards his boss's voice, and sure enough, there was his mentor. Foster stood beside him, looking equally concerned. They all looked so guilty. Worried, he could understand. But guilty?

Suddenly he realized that he had failed. He couldn't succeed at anything, not even dying. "Nah, my best shot would've been with a gun. Guess we learn from our mistakes, huh?" He tried to smile.

A flash of anger crossed Lightman's face. "Well this is a mistake you won't be making again. In any way, shape, or form. I'm not gonna let you die."

Loker shut his eyes. "Whatever." He was tired. He knew he would be kept in observation for a while, but as soon as they let him go, he would try again. And this time he wouldn't fail.

* * *

 **I have soooo much to do. I wanna just sit here and write fanfiction all day, but I'm overwhelmed with too much stuff. -_- I will update later. Thanks for reading! What do you think? Should I write another chapter?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry it's taken me so long to update! Things have been pretty bad lately. But I'll live :)**

* * *

*one week later*

Ria Torres walked into Lightman's office without knocking. "Loker is getting out today." She reminded him.

He glared at her. "I know." He got up to shove her out the door. "What happened to knocking, eh?"

"Wait!" She resisted. "Who's he gonna stay with?"

Cal stopped pushing. He had actually been thinking about it a lot. He hadn't been able to get Loker off his mind. The poor kid had spent the week in a psych ward on suicide watch. Cal had visited him every day. Loker was fooling the nurses, but not the deception expert. Cal knew he was still very suicidal.

"Well he can't stay with me. He hates me."

* * *

Lightman was joking, but Torres could see the truth behind it. "He doesn't hate you. You're intimidating. And sometimes unnecessarily cruel."

"Yeah," They stood awkwardly in the doorway as Foster walked by.

She looked at them suspiciously. "What are you doing now?"

"Trying to figure out who Loker should stay with." Cal told her.

Gillian looked surprised. "Oh..." She turned her gaze to Torres. "Can he stay with you?"

Torres knew the surprise must have shown on her face. "Uh..." She struggled to find words. "Why me?

"He knows you best. Of all the people he works with, you're around him most of the time." Gillian paused. "You're also the one who found him." She added.

"He probably hates me for stopping him."

"I wouldn't count on that, love." Lightman said. "Come on, take one for the team."

Torres sighed. It was a lot of responsibility. What if he did something stupid? But it was Loker, and he had no one else. "Fine." She agreed.

"Great, let's go pick up our walking pharmacy, shall we? Gill, you stay here and mind the place."

* * *

Lightman and Torres took separate vehicles and arrived at the hospital parking lot. The whole drive, Torres had been thinking about letting Loker stay with her. "What is he even going to wear? I don't have any clothes that would fit him." She asked Lightman.

He smiled and popped open his trunk. "It's all here."

"You raided his car!" Torres accused. There in the trunk lay all of Loker's possessions. His clothes, books; everything that had been in the car he was living out of.

"How else was I supposed to get his stuff? I wasn't about to buy a lot of new things." Cal justified.

Torres laughed. "He's gonna be pissed."

Lightman grinned and shrugged his shoulders. "Don't care."

* * *

Cal was trying to maintain a nonchalant attitude, but inside he felt nervous. Maybe he should have insisted that Loker stay with him. But at the same time, he was much more comfortable with Torres. He cared much more than he was letting on. What Torres didn't know was that along with Loker's clothes, he had thrown in some of his old shirts as well.

He struggled with the thought that part of this was his fault. He'd been an awful boss and an even worse mentor. And he was a deception expert! He should have seen the signs.

* * *

Loker was happy. Well, as happy as he could get. He was still miserable, but he had convinced the psych ward staff that he was doing better. He would be going home today. _Home. more like my car._ He thought. It was all right though. He wouldn't be there for long. He would find a new way to end his life. He had been thinking about it, obsessing over it the whole week.

"Congratulations Mr. Loker." A nurse said with a smile as she handed him his street clothes to change into.

He smiled politely back, but the smile faded as he saw Lightman and Torres standing outside, waiting for him. He should have known they wouldn't leave him alone.

Minutes later, he exited the locked ward. Torres gave him a wide smile and hugged him. "Loker, I'm glad you're okay."

He awkwardly hugged her back. "Yeah, me too. What are you guys doing here?"

"I think you can guess." Lightman told him.

"Really? Come on guys, I don't need a babysitter."

"I don't wanna take that chance."

Loker looked at his boss, frustrated. "So, which one of you is gonna camp out in my car with me?"

"Actually..." Torres suddenly looked very nervous. "You'll be staying with me."

Loker blinked, a bit stunned. "what?"

"Yep, you heard the lady. Let's go!" Lightman said in a cheery tone.

* * *

Lightman pulled up outside Ria's house.

"You're really gonna make me stay here?" Loker asked from the passenger seat.

"Oi, it's not so bad. You're rooming with a beautiful woman. I wouldn't be complaining."

They got out of the car and Lightman popped his trunk open. Loker stared in surprise. He hadn't even thought about his things. But apparently Lightman had it all covered. "You broke into my car."

Cal chuckled. "It wasn't locked. Your fault. You're welcome."

Torres nervously held the door open as the men carried Loker's stuff in. "You can set it on the couch there." She said.

"I'll give you two hours to get settled in, but I need the two of you back to work as soon as possible. Got it?" Lightman told them.

Loker felt very out of place once Lightman left. "So, uh, is it alright if I shower?" He asked awkwardly.

"Sure. Just a minute." Torres left the room and quickly returned, carrying her razors. It's all yours. There are clean towels hanging up. I don't have any...guy stuff though."

"You didn't have to take the razors out. And it's fine, Lightman found all my shower stuff anyway." He held up a bag.

"Actually, Loker, I feel like I did need to take the razors out." She got close to him and leaned in. "I can't go through that again, Eli. I can't." He could tell how sincere she was. "You almost died..." She looked like she was about to cry.

He impulsively pulled her into a hug. Wow. She was warm. And her hair smelled like strawberries.

* * *

Ria's heart raced as Loker hugged her. His long arms wrapped around her waist, and her head fit snugly against his chest. It was so comforting to hear his heart beating.

She expected it to be awkward, but it wasn't. They simply clung to each other for comfort. She dried her tears and pulled away. "Thanks" She sniffed. "Now go shower, you smell." She joked.

He grinned and left the room.

Ria sunk down into the couch. What had she gotten herself into?

* * *

 **Sorry guys, I know it's short. I'll try to do a longer chapter next time :) As always, thanks for the reviews! You're awesome. (Also, still figuring out how to use this site, so I'm sorry if anyone has tried to PM me and I haven't answered.**


	3. Chapter 3

**GUYS! I had a job interview today! It went pretty well, hopefully they call me back. I'm excited. I'm finally getting my life together.**

* * *

Back at the office, Cal was sitting with his feet up on his desk, fiddling with a pen. He didn't even notice Gillian walk in.

"Cal,"

He jumped. "Bloody hell, Gill!"

"Sorry to startle you." She smiled and closed the door behind her.

Cal stared at her suspiciously. "What are you doing, love?"

"Talking to you. Is that so odd?"

"No, but it hardly requires that you shut the door." He got a silly grin on his face. "Unless..." He got up and walked over to her, gazing into her beautiful eyes and leaning in for a kiss.

She giggled and pulled away. "Not here!" She whispered.

"Come on, spice things up a bit?" He put his arms around her waist and kissed her neck.

"Cal!" She playfully slapped his shoulder.

"What?" He asked innocently.

"Sit." She gestured to the couch.

He groaned, knowing what this was about. "No, darling. Don't go all 'psychologist' on me. I'm perfectly fine!"

"I think we both know that's a lie." She sat down on the couch and he reluctantly took a seat beside her. "How are you really doing?"

"Fine." He lied.

She sighed in exasperation. "You can tell me the truth."

He took her hand. "The truth is..." Suddenly he had a mischievous smile. "That I love you."

* * *

He was impossible. He managed to be both infuriating and endearing at the same time. Gillian shook her head, but couldn't hide her smile. "You're cute. I love you too. Now tell me how you're doing with what's happening to Loker."

Cal finally dropped the façade. "I'm not sure. I feel...responsible."

Gillian knew he was having a hard time with it. As a man who had spent years studying suicides as a result of his own mother's death, he felt guilty for not having seen the signs in Loker. He had seemed depressed and off his game all week.

"It's not your fault," She told him, squeezing his hand.

He pulled away from her. "It is! I've been such an arse. I may as well have shoved those pills down his throat myself."

"Cal, that's not true." She took his face in her hands. "Look at me. It was not your fault. You cannot blame yourself. You may have contributed to his depression, but he made the decision."

"It doesn't matter. I have to fix it."

"You should know better than anyone; you can't fix someone unless they want to be fixed."

"I know..." Cal put his head in his hands.

"Everything will be okay," Gillian said, rubbing his back and trying to comfort him.

* * *

Loker felt very self-conscious as he and Torres entered the Lightman Group offices. On the way up, Ria had told him that no one else besides Dr. Foster knew about his suicide attempt, but he still felt vulnerable and out of place. He shouldn't be here. He should be dead.

"Relax, Eli. It'll be good for you to get back to work."

"I know." He nodded. It was funny, everything was the same. People went about their business as usual. Life went on. It felt wrong that everything seemed so normal when he was falling apart inside. He didn't belong here. He didn't belong anywhere. He needed to find a way to get away from Torres so he could escape from this world that held nothing for him.

There was no way Ria was letting Loker out of her sight. Something she had realized from this ordeal was that she needed him. He was her best friend, not just a co-worker. They told each other everything. She felt awful that she hadn't realized how much he was hurting. And even worse that it had taken such a tragic event for her to realize what he meant to her.

"Come on, let's see how bad the interns have screwed things up." She joked. Well, half-way joking. No one could replace Loker. The new hires meant well, but they were inexperienced and made mistakes.

"I'm sure you've done just fine here without me."

"Actually, we haven't, Eli." She said honestly. "I've been ripping my hair out. These people have no idea what they're doing."

* * *

Eli? He had always been Loker to her. Since when had she started calling him by his first name? He liked it though.

"Sorry," He said, not knowing what else to say. He knew the interns weren't the most experienced with the equipment, but surely they could get by without him.

They would have to.

* * *

 **Sorry for another short chapter. I'll get back to writing soon :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Warning: This chapter gets a bit racy.**

* * *

It was the end of the day, and Loker had to admit; Ria wasn't lying about the interns. He felt bad that he would be leaving them short-handed.

As they were walking to the parking garage, Loker asked his colleague, "So, uh, where's my car?"

Torres glared at him. "You don't need to know. You're staying with me tonight."

"Really? Like, overnight?" He shifted uncomfortably.

She seemed a little hurt. "You can stay with Lightman if you really want to."

"No, no, it's just...I don't need a babysitter."

She stopped walking and faced him. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want to kill yourself."

He looked at the ground. He couldn't lie to her.

* * *

Torres felt like crying as they got into her car. He was still suicidal! What could she do? She was so afraid of losing him. She felt sick as she remembered what it felt like to find him half-dead in his car.

 _Shit._ She cursed internally as a tear slipped down her cheek. It wasn't like her to show weakness, especially in front of Loker.

Loker felt terrible as they drove back to Ria's house in silence. He pretended not to see her crying silently. This was all his fault.

They reached her home, and as soon as they set their things down on the couch, Loker pulled her into a hug. He felt her tense up, surprised, but then she relaxed into his embrace and let her walls down.

She sobbed into his shoulder. "Please don't leave me." She whispered.

He couldn't bring himself to lie to her, but he couldn't tell her the truth either. So he just held her.

**Two hours later**

"That can't become a habit." Torres said as she and Loker sat on the couch pretending to watch TV.

"huh?" He looked over at her, confused.

"Me crying on you." She looked down, embarrassed.

"I don't mind." He gave her a small smile.

"Thanks." She hesitantly reached for his hand.

He looked at her, confused and curious. Was this some sort of trick? Was she trying to manipulate him into thinking he had a chance with her?

"What are you thinking, Loker?" She searched his face for clues.

"Nothing." He shook his head,"

"Liar." She teased. "What happened to "radical honesty'?"

He laughed, and decided to just tell her the truth. He had nothing left to lose anyway. "I was thinking about how beautiful you are. And wondering if you're trying to get me to stay alive by tricking me into thinking that you care about me."

He saw anger and genuine hurt on her face. "Is that what you think of me?" She asked. "I'm not some manipulative..." She took a deep breath. "I really care about you, Loker. I'm not pretending. I..." Hesitantly she added, "I need you."

He gazed into her eyes, looking for signs of deception. He saw none. "Really?" He asked softly.

* * *

"Yes. You're my best friend...And I was kind of hoping we could be more than that." She regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth, but she saw a spark in his eyes that had been absent for a long time. She felt a blush rising in her cheeks.

"You're really cute when you blush," He told her, gently touching her face.

She bit her lip nervously. "Thanks,"

* * *

Suddenly he felt something that he hadn't for a long time: hope. Maybe he had a chance with her. Maybe his life could get better. Maybe it was worth living after all. Loker decided to live in the moment for once. He leaned in and kissed Ria.

* * *

Pleasantly surprised, she kissed him back. They clung to each other and enjoyed the sensation of being in someone's arms. The taste of his lips was exhilarating. He roughly pushed her back into the couch and the kissing became more passionate. She liked where this was going.

* * *

The Lightman home felt empty. Emily was at her mum's for the week, and Cal was all alone. He was pouring himself a drink when he heard the doorbell. Who would be at the door this late?

He smiled when he saw Gillian standing on his doorstep. "Hello, love. Got lonely, did you?"

"You know me well," She planted a kiss on his cheek as she pushed past him. "Is Emily home?"

"Nope, just you and me." He winked and pulled her into his arms. It was hard to keep it professional at work when all he wanted to do was claim her with kisses all day long. But here at home, their relationship could break free of the workplace secrecy.

Cal was so thankful for Gillian. This week had been a hard one, but she was always there for him.

* * *

The next morning, Loker and Torres woke up tangled in each other's arms. Ria felt vulnerable as she waited for him to say that last night had been a mistake. But instead, he smiled sleepily and pulled her back into his arms. They could be a little late for work.

* * *

Lightman was getting nervous. It wasn't like Torres to be late. After a half hour and no sign of her or Loker, he called Torres.

After a few rings she answered, sounding breathless. "Hello?"

"Is everything alright, love? How's Loker?"

There was a pause. "Oh! I'm so sorry we forgot to call. He's fine, we're just, um..." He could hear the smile in her voice as she tried to make up an excuse.

"Say no more, I know what's going on. Take your time," He hung up.

"What was that?" Gillian asked when she saw Cal grinning.

"Nothing." He smirked. "Seems like we're not the only ones with a secret."

* * *

 **That's the end! Sorry it took so long to finish lol. Do you think it's a good ending...? It's kind of different, I've never written a multi-chapter fanfiction before. Anyway, leave a review please :) I love you all.**


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